6 Months Ago My World Collapsed Again...

6 months ago my world collapsed....again... 

I can't get that day out of my mind. It was an beautiful Sunday. Amanda and I were babysitting two children and and the ride home from church had been so fun as we played fun songs, laughed, and enjoyed the ride. I remember thinking what a fun Sunday It was turning out to be and I was so stoked for our ugly sweater Christmas party we were having that night. I had been looking forward to it for weeks! We hadn't been home more than an hour before we got the call that reaked havoc on our lives once again. Dad called and Amanda and I answered with speaker phone and start using silly voices and goofing off. Dad asked me to turn it off speaker phone and Amanda went into the living room with the kids. And then came the words that hit me like déjà vu and that I haven't been able to get out of my head.... Dale died. Two words were all he said. My mind went wheeling and I instantly asked if it was a different dale we knew. And dad replied with the dreaded words that it was his brother Dale. My mind exploded! Dad didn't have any other details so he said they'd be home in 20 min. I slowly set down my phone. And then it hit hard like a somebody hit me in the gut. All I could do was scream and maybe if I drown out those words that I could unhear them and they would no longer be true. NOOOO NOT AGAIN!!!! NOOO THIS AINT HAPPENING ITS A DREAM. Amanda came running out hoping she had misheard my convo with dad. Is it Uncle Dale? She asked shakily. I can't handle the emotions running through me, I could only nod and continue to freak out. Amanda quickly realized the kids were getting scared and that strong little sister of mine told me to go upstairs till I could calm down and that she would take care of them. I couldn't do anything but comply. I ran as hard as I could to my room and broke. Praise The Lord Dalen and Merletta arrived less than 5 min later. I ran downstairs. They had already heard... Merletta came to me immediately and wrapped me in a huge hug and I just bawled. Dalen went to Amanda's side as Amanda was finally letting herself break. After they left, I didn't know how to handle myself. Looking back I wish I could have just been there for Amanda but Instead I ran to my friends. I called my 3 best friends up bawling with the news. I was so scared. The words that were running through my head were NO NOT AGAIN. PLEASE I CANT HANDLE THE PAIN AGAIN. I DONT WANT TO WATCH MY DAD WALK THIS PATH AGAIN. IT WAS HARD ENOUGH LAST TIME. THIS HAS GOT TO BE A CRUEL JOKE OR NIGHTMARE. Mom and Dad arrived then and we just sat together on the couch, held each other and cried and cried. After a bit they decided they must go over to be with the family. I couldn't bring myself to go along. I didn't want to live that nightmare again. All the tears and the sobbing and shock. I called my cousin to find it if she was there yet only to find out that they hadn't heard yet and to also find out that it was my young cousins birthday today.... After talking to Bethany and Dallas, Bethany convinced me to go to be with the family and that I shouldn't be home alone. I remember the 15 min drive, looking back it prob wasn't safe for me to be driving. My legs were like jello. I was so weak. I put on the loudest songs I had and just blared them and took those back roads pretty fast. Everybody arrived at the same time to Uncle Dales house. By then I had been informed that it had happened at Dales oldest son's house. They were all just eating supper with the whole family including grand kids. (Except his daughter and her husband hadn't been able to make it) when he suddenly has an aortic aneurism. He was gone in seconds. The emts tried thier best to bring him back. 

Let me explain a lite bit, Dale's and my family grew up on the farm together for most our lives until a lil less than 5 years ago. So Dallas had grown up beside Dal's sons and Dale was like a second father to him growing up. And the boys were like brothers. 

Like I said we all arrived at Dales around the same time. I pulled in right after Dallas's. I remember my 6 foot 3 brother embracing Justin, Dale's second oldest son who is more built and taller than Dallas, and them both just crying and hugging each other tightly. I will never forget that memory. The rest of the night was spent supporting each other as a family. We were all crying, in shock and just in need of each other. 

It was all to much for me. I had to get out and breath so I ended up grabbing my sister going to the ugly sweater party cuz I needed my friends so bad!! I got there and the girls swarmed me with hugs. They helped me be distracted for a little while before I knew I had to go and join the family. But before I left they placed my sister and I in the middle of the circle and everybody prayed for us. I have never felt as loved by my youth group as I did in that moment. True brethren in Christ. The viewing and funeral went by in a teary blur. I went back to worked the next day after the death. Worst mistake of my life. I ended up after being scolded by both my managers breaking down in sobs of tears because I was already emotionally unstable and having to go home. It was all I could not to quit on the spot.

I had so many people supporting me though. My best friend came the very next day with a HUGE 4 foot teddy bear for me and that meant the world and more to me. I don't think she even realize what that did for me. His name is Gu and he may just be a giant stuffed bear but he symbolizes all the support of so many people. I want to thank everyone for all the support during his time! 

I really had no time to grieve because 3 weeks later I was arriving at Ebi and was flung into the craziness of bible school. One day midterm I was alone in my dorm and looked at the picture of my uncle and everything hit me again but I started feeling the beginning of healing after I took the time to write a farewell letter to my uncle. Asking him how heaven was and what it was like to see Kenton completely healed and To thank him for everything he has done for us and the family and to recall some fun child hood memories I had of him. I ended up in tears and right then my two amazing roommates showed then and thy just hugged me and let me cry. It's so hard walking around with a torn heart but having to smile and act like everything is all right so you don't make other people feel uncomfortable. Especially when your surrounded by 70 people your age who all have their own problems. 

And y'all know my story that I barely had time to breath after Ebi before I was here in Mexico. So I haven't been home much. I haven't seen as much of the pain in my parents and grandparents Dales family's faces. I kinda feel sometimes that I ran away from it. But I know they know I didn't do it purposely. Before January 10th I rarely cried. I couldn't even make myself cry. I just don't deal with death easy. I found out last minute that I was to attend a funeral down here with the church and I didn't have time to prepare myself and ended up breaking down for the first time since Ebi. I can't handle Funerals. I ended up not going and staying home all day to cry, grieve, and heal. I have a few friends that just lost somebody extremely dear to them and watching how they responded has encouraged and helped me so much through this. Last year when my other uncle was killed I was actually dating and he was truly a Godsend at the time. I don't know how I would have made it through without him. Unfortunately our lives did go in different directions and this time I internalized a lot more of the pain but I'm still finding healing slowly. Thanks for everybody's support and love. I'm extremely blessed to have the friends and church I have. Thanks for hearing my heart out. I hope I didn't make you cry to much. I will say that a year that started off so HORRIFIC is turning into an amazing year! And only God can be thanked for that!!! Thanks y'all! Love y'all!!! 

"This is where the healing begins, oh 

This is where the healing starts 

When you come to where you're broken within 

The light meets the dark"